Flagstaff, 1995
It was the winter of 1995 and VR Troopers had recently been canceled. No third season to be shot and I was now out of work. Around that time, I didn’t get out much. When we shot the show, I was up from 4:30 in the morning until about 8 or 9 at night and the schedule was just too exhausting to go out. Not that I went out much then. This was before the clubs, before acquiring my group of friends, and before the much needed self esteem boost.
And yes, before the loss of that precious virginity.
I spent a lot of my time, outside of the show, on this new thing called “the internet”. Back then, I had this new service called Prodigy. I’m sure you heard of it. In the early days, dial up was amazing. Once I switched over to AOL, things became more amazing. I mean, you could actually meet people on this thing.
Of course, being the lonely depressed guy that I was, I had a hard time meeting new people in general. I know what you’re thinking: ‘but you’re an actor!’ A lot of people point that out as if that gives me this crazy awesome type of people skills. As if girls would just flock my way. But much like my high school days of being the weird funny guy, I was now that weird funny nerdy guy on TV. At the time, it didn’t translate well.
Anyway, after a while chatting with people online, I started talking to this one woman. Our conversation quickly turned to a more romantic direction and after a month or two (I can’t remember the specifics), she said she was coming out to Arizona for a friend’s wedding and thought it’d be great if I met her out there and took her to L.A. to show her around.
Oh, and I’m leaving out one very important detail here. She was married.
By the look of her pics, she was damn hot. We spoke on the phone, if I recall. I had nothing going on in my life and had never done anything so crazy, I thought ‘what the hell!’ and I went on this road trip to Flagstaff, Arizona.
I honestly don’t know what I was expecting once I got there or on the ride back with this woman I really didn’t know very well. I didn’t even really think about it. My dick was driving the car and I wasn’t even aware of that.
It was an EIGHT hour drive to Flagstaff, Arizona. I found the motel I was to meet her at. I felt like I was in some weird movie. Strange surroundings, first really long road trip anywhere, and I went alone. After a huge sheltered life, at the age of 19, this was kind of an out of body experience. AND, a hot married woman wanted to meet me at a motel where I was to spend the night. What a rendezvous I was in for!
I find the motel room and knock on the door, completely exhausted from the drive. The door opens and I am greeted by a BOHEMOTH of a woman. I’m 5′9 in height and I remember my head slowly did this upward crane shot motion as if I was viewing this as a movie. She must’ve been over 6 feet tall. The aquanet infused wall of hair at the front of her head must’ve at least made her 6′3. I stood there, a bit dumbfounded. Barely recognizing this woman from the pictures she had shared. At that moment my dick relinquished control of my brain and I had my wits back about me.
Who the fuck was this woman? She looked like she ate the girl in the pics I was sent. And on top of my lack of attraction, it quickly dawned on me that I was to spend the night in this motel room with her. Maybe she was hungry and planned to eat me in my sleep.
I entered the room and thankfully, there were two beds. There was a black and white TV on the dresser. If I remember correctly, something like The Dick Van Dyke Show was on.
Anyway, she quickly realized that she had made a mistake in meeting me as well. I mean, she WAS married. Right? What the fuck was she doing in a motel room with little old awkward Jew Boy me?
I don’t remember sleeping that night. I do remember she had a crying fit. I was rejecting this woman. But I looked at this as false advertising. As taking advantage of a 19 year old boy’s fragile mind. Damn you, penis!
I was pretty much honest with her. Stating how she looked nothing like her pictures. About how I felt this was a big mistake. The whole time, I’m exhausted and my anxiety about the situation is spiking through the roof.
The next morning, I was to drive her back to Los Angeles and show her around. 19 year old me. 30 something year old her. I started really feeling guilty. She had a husband who was probably wondering where she would be. I didn’t even want to be THAT guy. I advised she call the airline and change her flight info. Then, the next morning at about 5am, I drove her to the airport in Arizona and drove EIGHT hours home.
God bless my mother. I remember coming home and her asking me where the girl was. I told her, “Mom, that girl ended up being over 10 years older than me, married, about 50 pounds heavier than she said and 5 feet taller than me.” She chuckled and I continued, “It was like a pod person or Atilla The Hun answered the door.” Her chuckle became a loud laugh. Gotta love my mother for deflating my ego and putting me in my place.
I think I slept all day once I was back. I didn’t hear from the woman until a couple months later. She emailed me and thanked me for rejecting her. Apparently it helped her realize all that she would lose in her marriage and how her and her husband are closer than ever. She mentioned something about not being there for her kid.
Jesus Fuck, woman! She never told me she had a kid!
I think I dodged quite a bullet there. I think I replied to her email and said she was welcome…welcome to what, I’m not sure.
The lesson from this: meeting people on the internet can be dangerous and weird.
Did I learn the lesson then?
No….no I did not.
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